To breathe again

I think all people are afraid to be alone. I think even those who swear that they wouldn’t get married, that they would rather grow old alone, still think that their life could be better if they would find themselves waking up next to someone who is always willing to put up with their shits. Sometimes, people feel that they are so damaged that they don’t deserve to have that kind of person in their life. But, isn’t we all have our fair share of downtimes and issues, that we all have a damaged part of us that we wanted to fix—and so we somehow deserve to find someone who will make us realize that life is worth fixing?

I am hopeful. 

I am not apologizing anymore

I think I've hated myself enough. You’ve grown callous and indifferent, and I’ve seen how you treated my sadness as some kind of a joke—as if I really deserved to feel this melancholic because I started the fire that incinerated everything that we’ve built. I don’t feel the sincerity in your words anymore—you’re becoming a total different person who’s heading to a total different direction. It’s just sad to realize that I've let myself get stuck in this spot for months now, and the only things that make me feel alive are pain, tears and some self-inflicted wounds. 

Here's the thing

She can’t fall in love with someone else because she’s still in love with you. She knows she can’t afford to just runaway and forget those moments that you shared for years. It was never an easy task. She is not ready to move on.

And so she keeps from spinning and dancing in that hurricane of memories and hopes, where the sins and regrets—all brought by the instability of her fucked-up self—go along with the wind of these thoughts that harasses her cold and bruised skin.